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[11 Nov 2008|07:30pm] |
my dad fuels my fucked up mind. my dad is disordered himself. he only supports my disordered behavior. he doesn't even care.
best of all - he probably doesn't know!
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| Reflections on ED |
[04 Nov 2008|11:15am] |
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I look at this girl at my gym l who is clearly plagued by anorexia and think how it's so crazy that I was 10 times worse than her, at my rock bottom about a year ago from this time. It's only been about seven months since I've by health standards 'recovered' but I wonder if I will ever think normally again.
People look at this girl like she's crazy. I overheard a couple employees conversing something to the effect of "she's so crazy why is she working out so much? Stupid bitch" it made me appaled. The girl, probaly 95lbs at most thinks she is fat. It's not being selfish or self absorbed. It's just as much of a mental disease as depression is. It's a world you get sucked into deeper and deeper. You are never happy with your body or yourself. You punish yourself by restricting so many things in life to perfection ... Just to feel valid.
I look at this girl and still see myself. I feel so bad and wish I could talk to her. But I remember when I was sick, when random people came up and tried to talk or help me ... It just made me more sick.
I don't really know how I recovered. Which makes me think if I even actually did. I hope someday I will have a healthy relationship with my body. I hope someday I will get better. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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[05 Dec 2006|10:32pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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i have to pee pee but i hate leaving my cute little macbook unattended in this library. omg omg omg i hate writing papers i wish i could just speak them instead.
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| spoiled bitches |
[27 Nov 2006|11:58pm] |
i get jealous of what other people have and what i don't.
but who doesn't get jealous of those type of things?
except the fact that this 'thing' is a family.
and it makes me so depressed when a family, or a close, real, relationship with a family member is rung out so dry that you only expect certain outcomes from that relationship. mainly material. with equals one spoiled snob. get your head out of the fucking clouds.
does that make any sense? probably not.
speaking of relationships, where did all my girl friends go? i honestely cannot think of one reliable, consistant, compassionate girl friend ... or friend for that matter. sad, huh.
am i really that sucky? pukey .... annoying? maybe i don't shower enough.
it's just sad. i'm sad. any lonely.
and jealous.
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[18 Oct 2006|09:08pm] |
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mood |
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 CRAZY |
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i am currently DYING. 10 page reasearch paper on economic, environmental bullshi*t that i am basically pulling out of my behind. i hate gen.ed. requirements.I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT SUSTAINIBILITY ON THE ENVIRONMENT OR THE GOVERNMENT OR ETHICS OR LAW OR ETC ETC. i just want to enjoy school and not deal with this bullshit. good news is that i found out i have to take only seven (7!) more classes until i've earned my degree. i feel so anxious. i have enough caffine in my body to keep me up for hours (stupid). i think its giving me an attack. WTF. why am i writing in lj? i'm only on page 3. 7 to go, you can do it kathy. no i can't. yes i can. i am the most retarded. i hate facebook. and myspace. my butt is numb. i hate my laptop, but i have to write my paper on it becuz my mac randomly shuts down. ahhhhhhh. i wish i had some blisters so i could enjoy the sensation of popping them. is that sick? i really want to do something fun this weekend. everyone assumes i am a fashion major. go figure. kill me. must do crunches later. my hair is so greasy and digusting. i need to shave. i cannot wait until i can start taking care of myself again. omg this is the most void entery i have written in lj history i'm sure. give me a massage. i'm pissed that i can't watch the project runway season finale tonight. keep it moving
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[27 Sep 2006|08:43am] |
TALK TO ME
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| sooo ... |
[04 Sep 2006|11:52pm] |
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i like living very close to the city ... surprisingly i miss on-campus life ... but not really ... i know i'd get sick of it proooooobably after 12 hours or less ... i'll still be able to make friends since i'm such a cool breezy ... finding my way around framingham is a living hell but i'm dealing ... i just hope being a commuter student is just as convenient as living on-campus ... who wants go to see a tribe called quest with me on sept. 29th? we can booty dance obv and eats lots of junk food after ... let me know.
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[18 Aug 2006|10:18am] |
"Watch for auroras in the northern sky overnight.
An explosion on the sun Wednesday hurled a coronal mass ejection toward Earth. The approaching cloud of particles could spark a geomagnetic storm when it arrives and hits the Earth's atmosphere, probably today, according to www.spaceweather.com.
If a storm erupts, the best displays will be at higher latitudes: e.g., Alaska, Canada and Scandinavia.
However, auroras could descend to lower latitudes, too, spreading across northern-tier states from Maine to Washington and elsewhere.
Sometimes during a geomagnetic storm, the sky appears to be blank - no auroras. The display may be too faint to see with the unaided eye. Try using your camera: a 15-second exposure can reveal colorful auroras just below the threshold of naked-eye visibility."
.... i WISH i was in canada again this weekend for this.
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| making lj even fruitier entery by entery |
[17 Aug 2006|10:41pm] |
L'amour n'a pas de, frontiere (Love has no boundaries)
Restes car je t'aime comme tu es (Stay because I love you as you are)
J'ai traverse l'ocean du verbe (I crossed an ocean of words)
Et je t'ai trouve (And I found you)
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[01 Aug 2006|09:14am] |
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august? wtf. i suppose i should start thinking about school now. i move in my apartment in a few weeks, after my internship is done on the 18th. i'm nervous/anxious/excited/wacky. i can't wait to get off the cape though....
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| mysteries solved: |
[18 Jul 2006|10:19pm] |
i found out today that on the Romano side of my family, us breezies tend to get irregular periods ... which makes me feel more comforted to know it is common at least ...
my living situation for the fall is becoming more concrete ... i am nervous i will do terrible in school but i know i won't i'm just a sally and nervous
need to call scholarship company and find out the deal
need to clean my room
wrap a present
do ab ball crunches
get 7.5 hours of sleep
not gonna happen. ahhhhhh
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[12 Jul 2006|08:45pm] |
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does anyone have the thom yorke album? will you burn it for me?
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[11 Jul 2006|11:43pm] |
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WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY people are so retarded. i just want to go to school and live, why does that make me out to be an asshole? seriously ... there is no communication whatsoever and it's HIS decision ... i might as well claim myself as independent seeing as i struggle so much to get an education ... i feel bad asking for support ... even though it should be expected from a parent who works 70+ hours a week with a decent salary ... or should it not be expected? i work so hard yet receive almost no appreciation. you don't even want to know what he did when he saw my awesome report card ... or when i got this award(s) ... or when i got a fucking internship. i think my cat is more appreciative of me. it really sucks.
this is the first vague, teen-angst-y entry i've had all year i think. go me.
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| long time, blah blah |
[26 Jun 2006|12:34am] |
so, its been a while huh? weird. well today i found out that shaq is not only a fucking cool basket ball player, but a rapper. i was bored watching mtv jams then all of a sudden shaq is on the screen looking all sad and rapping. i don't know how i feel about this.
my internship is going well.
i wish i was able to see jay-z tonight. i want to go to a show soon. preferably a hip-hop one or something i can shake my booty to. let me know.
i don't know what to post in lj because we haven't talked in so long. it's like reacquainting with an old friend. i might as well post surveys or some bullshit.
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| minor life change: |
[29 May 2006|12:41pm] |
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mood |
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nauseated |
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today, may 29th, 2006, i offically ended my 5+ year long run of veganism (to f*cking yogurt! i hate yogurt! so, so gross, don't ask me why). i hate dairy products, but i seriously think i need to get back to consuming them because i feel so unhealthy. hopefully i will be getting more protein and calcium ... somthing of which i am severely deprived of. i feel slightly nauseous aswell. if your a vegan, don't front on me.
no work today!!! going thrift shopping then to buttline's b-day cookout .... should be fun.
i start my internship soon. i am so excited/nervous. i'm gonna be working in a news room. my dream. ugh!!!
this breezy gots to go...
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[10 May 2006|12:54am] |
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mood |
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 TIRED, SICK OF PACKING. |
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oh man. after a long night of packing (and still going), i started to really crave some junky, fatty, regret-it-after-you-eat-it, snacks. so scrounged around upstairs for a while and then came across some strawberry cheesecake tofutti my housemate left behind. let me tell you, finding this kind of treat at one in the morning is fucking orgasmic! yum yums
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deathbath's journal